Monday, October 15, 2012

Why, hello there, blogosphere.


It's afternoon. I'm sitting in my window sill - you know, the one that has worn spots from being occupied for long hours of study, and the smudges of less-than-clean feet. My window is open, and it's cool and nappish. 

Two weeks ago my family went camping. The gift of long, quiet hours on both trails and lake gave me time for much-needed reflection, thinking through events from this last summer, China, and life now. Those reflections may or may not manifest themselves in posts. 

But now I'm thinking specifically over the past year, my year of "18." There have been so many gifts, so many lessons…so much pain. Humbling me to the lowest valley, and exhilarating to the highest peak. A year of constantly going, going, going, so often feeling I could continue no longer, then uplifted by Grace and given the endurance to keep running. 

The first half of my 18th year I spent working full time. Balancing a job, my family, and other relationships was new for me, and definitely something I had to work hard through. I never felt like there was time enough during the day, always borrowing from Tomorrow's supply. And as I've gone back, reading the oh-so-few posts from this last year, I see the thread of God's teaching to me throughout even the fragmented thoughts from brain to fingertips to virtual paper. 

Following the Piper…for Jingle, realizing the gift my sister is…learning that rest at Jesus's feet is so vitally important, and that peace lies in acceptance. December flew by with my brother's engagement, photoshoots, and a a brief compilation of lessons from the year. 

Then this year to date I have posted 7 times. Yep, 7. Blips on a map…short quotes from conversations maybe? My brother's wedding (it seems as yesterday!) Then as June came, and I began to try to understand pain, process hopes, that I rediscovered the source of strength and joy, and the love like an ocean. An ocean full of tides tearing me away from the comfortable known into the unknown of love unmeasured. 
Drawing me further from my comfort zone was July and China. Students old and new, familiar streets, familiar sounds and smells. The memories, the stories, the answered prayers! Then California, a time of rest and packing up dear friends to move, then coming home, volunteering with kids…and leaving again for New Mexico. Then finally home. Then the restlessness of stillness, and learning to rest, and be content again with the mundane of college and life, and seeing the gifts and the glory of peace. 

My 19th birthday was last week. I am so grateful for my dear family and friends who made the day so special for me. From my mom's chocolate chip pancakes, to epic sibling car convos, birthday wishes via phone calls, texts, and messages, eating frozen yogurt and singing musicals under a bridge with my sister, it was a wonderful day. :)

And now, here are some things I've been reminded of today….
- I'm still using the temporary password for logging in for school that I was issued over two months ago.
- There will always be more homework, but people are what's important.
- It is definitely possible to analyze a movie for philosophy just by reading reviews and watching youtube clips…and get a good grade.
- There is no end to what can be cleaned and organized when I'm procrastinating.
- It's never smart to let a five year old "help" where there is bleach involved. 
- Automatic calendar prompts are life savers…unless your computer is set in a different time zone (I'd still like to know why my time was on EDT…)
- There's nothing quite as peaceful as riding into the sunset, barefoot and bareback.
- Exercise balls are far better than desk chairs - they bounce.
- Camping is still the best family vacation ever.
- It's never safe for others when I run across the "blackmail" photo file on my computer.
- "Busy" is relative. 
- God is always faithful.

Until the next post, whenever that may be!

Friday, September 7, 2012

{Night Songs}


I came again last night, to this place. The drive felt like the night: heavy, dark, silent. And I wondered at the purpose of my coming. 
Those double glass doors, the mirror in the lobby, both with a haunting reflection of my face…or was the reflection me, and the person walking someone else? But no.
Whitewashed halls smell of cleaners and distaste, sorrow and loneliness…but overpowering is the silence, broken only by the occasional beep, beep, beep of a nurse's summoning. So subconsciously, because the Music was missing, I was singing. 
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus….
She was awake when I arrived. Awake and restless, and murmuring and shaking. 
"This is Leah…I'm here to stay with you tonight. Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, honey….just turn the music back on."
So singing I continued, ever so softly, through to the end, and stopped. Then, the weak "Will you turn the music back on?"
So singing on, til I forgot the words, and sleep beckoned. But still she bid the music stay. 
And my memory failed, but the Faithful One didn't and I had a hymnal, so there were words still. So the music from A to K and then sleep. Then rousing and L and onward as again, she asked for song. Then sleep, then song. 
Peace be still, peace be still, hear the words come softly. Through the storm, through the night, bringing perfect rest ……. 
Then song as it dawned. 
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning…it's time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing 'til the evening comes....
 Because every day is a time for His songs. And I wonder if this is what Heaven is like, and if music is the link between the beings in Heaven and the earth-dwellers. 
Then with sunlight streaming 7 she awoke again, for the morning time. Did you hear the music last night? 
Yes…and so that was my purpose, to bring music…and so peace. And I am a reflection, of the One Who Is, the Music Maker. And my heart burns, and I'm humbled, because He can use even the least of these as an instrument for good.

Monday, June 18, 2012

musings on joy and strength

I've been reading Nehemiah these last few days. This morning I was reading in chapter 8. In chapters 6 and 7, the wall was finished, the list of the returned exiles was made, and the totals of the people and gifts were counted. As chapter 8 begins, the people are gathered, and the Law of Moses is read to the assembly. Picking up in chapter 8 verse 9, it says,
"And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to the people, "This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep." For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy  to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved." And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them." 
Obviously there is a LOT here to look at, but the part that really jumped out at me was the latter part of verse 10: "And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." 

These people realized the gravity of the law, and what was required of them, and wept. But they were instructed to not be grieved. To not weep. For in the joy of the Lord was their strength.

I never really thought about joy being strength. Although I knew there was a difference, subconsciously I equated joy with happiness.  Something that passes with change, something without power. But in this true joy is strength. 

John Wesley in his Explanatory Notes expounds on this joy: 
 "Rejoicing in God in serving him with cheerfulness, and thankfulness, which is your duty always. But now especially, [he] will give you that strength both of mind and body which you greatly need, both to perform all the duties required of you, and to oppose all the designs of your enemies."

We have things required of us. There are commands for us to follow, commands that in ourselves we are incapable of following. But our strength consists in joy in the Lord. The better we understand God's word, the more we know Him, the more we find comfort...and strength. 

 So my focus today, and every day should be not on requirements, on lists; not on trying in my own strength. My focus should be on a relationship with Christ, and His word, for in that will I find the joy and strength to obey. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

{musings}



The beach has always held a certain fascination for me. The salt smell, constant wind-drawn waves, the enormity...the way the roar of the crashing surf somehow creates a sense of perfect peace, of soothing, of renewing…the way it makes me feel so small and insignificant. And I always feel this so much more when the surf is high…

…And more so with riptides.

That strong channel flowing seaward from near the shore, its beginning disguised in the surf line. The thing feared by beginner and seasoned swimmers alike. Interestingly, though, the main danger is not in the tide itself – a rip tide’s main power is close to the surface, and does not actually pull people under; it merely drags an object along until it deposits the object in calm deeper waters. The danger lies in being knocked over by the waves, then unable to surface as the tide draws a person deeper, or in an exhausting escape attempt of the swimmer.

It’s always a disturbing feeling to be pummeled by sand and waves while already under water, twisting, and with nothing to grasp and resurface. But at the same time, it’s an awe-striking feeling – a feeling of insignificance – that something is so powerful to toss a body like nothing more than a bit of seaweed. This ocean that overwhelms people and minute objects with equal ease…

And I think of the hymn that compares Christ’s love to an ocean.

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free,
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me.
Underneath me, all around me
Is the fullness of Thy love.
Leading onward, leading homeward,
To Thy glorious rest above.


Deep love…not shallow. Not safe love. Deep, and boundless…free, unrestrained, a mighty ocean of love. The song doesn’t say the love flows by, in nice pristine streams whenever you’re interested in acquiring some. It rolls over, overwhelming by its fullness over, underneath, and all around, and we never see an end to it.

And if His love is like an ocean, life must be like the crashing waves and rip tides, because things pummel, twist, and disorient, dragging away from goals, plans, and ideas into unknown waters. Waters we would never venture into of our own accord. If so, then, the danger isn’t in the tide – not in the events, or tears, or pain – the danger is in fighting it. In exhausting ourselves in our own efforts to escape.

And if waves and tides have so much power, how much more does the God of the universe have the power to hold us gently, drawing us by life tides into the calm of His peace?  If He indeed has a perfect plan, are not these waves simply bringing us to our knees before our Creator, and the tides pulling us into His presence? Tearing us out of our comfort zone into places where we can only live through Him who strengthens us?

And they lead us to rest….in His love.



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Congratulations, Joshua and Anna!

Congratulations to my brother, Joshua, and to his bride Anna! It was exciting to see the culmanation of all the phone conversations and chaperoning. :)  


Joshy, it seems like yesterday when we were coming up with crazy ideas and fun. Those times when we'd  sing at the top of our lungs, gardening on a "deserted island" [in the front yard], or randomly decide to ride a neighbor's (untrained) horse. I wouldn't trade having you as a brother or our adventures for anything. I'm excited to watch you and Anna's adventure now, as y'all spend your lives together.

Anna, I haven't know you nearly as long, but have enjoyed your friendship for the time that I have. I know everyone has told Joshua what a gift he's getting, and I'm sure you know that goes both ways. ;) Not only are you getting one of the best guys in the world, you're now married to my best friend. Take good care of him! :)

May God richly bless your marriage!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

{a brother memory}

He's dirty and muddy and has ripped shorts and mismatched shoes, the crocs too large and words too old for seven years…and it has rained puddles into the ground. 
And I have lists that won't wait and goal deadlines penned to Time and self-imposed perfectionism and mud-free clothes...
And he's puddle hopping, and wants me to too.
 Sweet smiles with shoes squelching mud and imprinting memories on Time's face. It doesn't matter that the the rain lull is brief and lists must wait and he can't clear some puddles and water will splash, because mud-wet clothes will wash and lists will lengthen and more rains always come.
So we hop puddles. And I shorten my strides and he stretches his, because we're holding hands and soon he'll be all grown up, and baby brother hands will be man-hands that help me.  And we step footprints in the mud, and engrave memories into Time forever, because though the days drag the years fly and memories are treasures. 
And so together we hop puddles…

Thursday, January 5, 2012

{during a conversation about amounts of sleep}

Me: "I wonder how much sleep is really necessary to have human maximum function ability."

Rachel: "I'm not sure... It would be really nice if people could sleep like they drink espresso. Just a little bit is needed, but it goes a long way..."

Why, hello there, blogosphere.


It's afternoon. I'm sitting in my window sill - you know, the one that has worn spots from being occupied for long hours of study, and the smudges of less-than-clean feet. My window is open, and it's cool and nappish. 

Two weeks ago my family went camping. The gift of long, quiet hours on both trails and lake gave me time for much-needed reflection, thinking through events from this last summer, China, and life now. Those reflections may or may not manifest themselves in posts. 

But now I'm thinking specifically over the past year, my year of "18." There have been so many gifts, so many lessons…so much pain. Humbling me to the lowest valley, and exhilarating to the highest peak. A year of constantly going, going, going, so often feeling I could continue no longer, then uplifted by Grace and given the endurance to keep running. 

The first half of my 18th year I spent working full time. Balancing a job, my family, and other relationships was new for me, and definitely something I had to work hard through. I never felt like there was time enough during the day, always borrowing from Tomorrow's supply. And as I've gone back, reading the oh-so-few posts from this last year, I see the thread of God's teaching to me throughout even the fragmented thoughts from brain to fingertips to virtual paper. 

Following the Piper…for Jingle, realizing the gift my sister is…learning that rest at Jesus's feet is so vitally important, and that peace lies in acceptance. December flew by with my brother's engagement, photoshoots, and a a brief compilation of lessons from the year. 

Then this year to date I have posted 7 times. Yep, 7. Blips on a map…short quotes from conversations maybe? My brother's wedding (it seems as yesterday!) Then as June came, and I began to try to understand pain, process hopes, that I rediscovered the source of strength and joy, and the love like an ocean. An ocean full of tides tearing me away from the comfortable known into the unknown of love unmeasured. 
Drawing me further from my comfort zone was July and China. Students old and new, familiar streets, familiar sounds and smells. The memories, the stories, the answered prayers! Then California, a time of rest and packing up dear friends to move, then coming home, volunteering with kids…and leaving again for New Mexico. Then finally home. Then the restlessness of stillness, and learning to rest, and be content again with the mundane of college and life, and seeing the gifts and the glory of peace. 

My 19th birthday was last week. I am so grateful for my dear family and friends who made the day so special for me. From my mom's chocolate chip pancakes, to epic sibling car convos, birthday wishes via phone calls, texts, and messages, eating frozen yogurt and singing musicals under a bridge with my sister, it was a wonderful day. :)

And now, here are some things I've been reminded of today….
- I'm still using the temporary password for logging in for school that I was issued over two months ago.
- There will always be more homework, but people are what's important.
- It is definitely possible to analyze a movie for philosophy just by reading reviews and watching youtube clips…and get a good grade.
- There is no end to what can be cleaned and organized when I'm procrastinating.
- It's never smart to let a five year old "help" where there is bleach involved. 
- Automatic calendar prompts are life savers…unless your computer is set in a different time zone (I'd still like to know why my time was on EDT…)
- There's nothing quite as peaceful as riding into the sunset, barefoot and bareback.
- Exercise balls are far better than desk chairs - they bounce.
- Camping is still the best family vacation ever.
- It's never safe for others when I run across the "blackmail" photo file on my computer.
- "Busy" is relative. 
- God is always faithful.

Until the next post, whenever that may be!

{Night Songs}


I came again last night, to this place. The drive felt like the night: heavy, dark, silent. And I wondered at the purpose of my coming. 
Those double glass doors, the mirror in the lobby, both with a haunting reflection of my face…or was the reflection me, and the person walking someone else? But no.
Whitewashed halls smell of cleaners and distaste, sorrow and loneliness…but overpowering is the silence, broken only by the occasional beep, beep, beep of a nurse's summoning. So subconsciously, because the Music was missing, I was singing. 
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus….
She was awake when I arrived. Awake and restless, and murmuring and shaking. 
"This is Leah…I'm here to stay with you tonight. Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No, honey….just turn the music back on."
So singing I continued, ever so softly, through to the end, and stopped. Then, the weak "Will you turn the music back on?"
So singing on, til I forgot the words, and sleep beckoned. But still she bid the music stay. 
And my memory failed, but the Faithful One didn't and I had a hymnal, so there were words still. So the music from A to K and then sleep. Then rousing and L and onward as again, she asked for song. Then sleep, then song. 
Peace be still, peace be still, hear the words come softly. Through the storm, through the night, bringing perfect rest ……. 
Then song as it dawned. 
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning…it's time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing 'til the evening comes....
 Because every day is a time for His songs. And I wonder if this is what Heaven is like, and if music is the link between the beings in Heaven and the earth-dwellers. 
Then with sunlight streaming 7 she awoke again, for the morning time. Did you hear the music last night? 
Yes…and so that was my purpose, to bring music…and so peace. And I am a reflection, of the One Who Is, the Music Maker. And my heart burns, and I'm humbled, because He can use even the least of these as an instrument for good.

musings on joy and strength

I've been reading Nehemiah these last few days. This morning I was reading in chapter 8. In chapters 6 and 7, the wall was finished, the list of the returned exiles was made, and the totals of the people and gifts were counted. As chapter 8 begins, the people are gathered, and the Law of Moses is read to the assembly. Picking up in chapter 8 verse 9, it says,
"And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to the people, "This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep." For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy  to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved." And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them." 
Obviously there is a LOT here to look at, but the part that really jumped out at me was the latter part of verse 10: "And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." 

These people realized the gravity of the law, and what was required of them, and wept. But they were instructed to not be grieved. To not weep. For in the joy of the Lord was their strength.

I never really thought about joy being strength. Although I knew there was a difference, subconsciously I equated joy with happiness.  Something that passes with change, something without power. But in this true joy is strength. 

John Wesley in his Explanatory Notes expounds on this joy: 
 "Rejoicing in God in serving him with cheerfulness, and thankfulness, which is your duty always. But now especially, [he] will give you that strength both of mind and body which you greatly need, both to perform all the duties required of you, and to oppose all the designs of your enemies."

We have things required of us. There are commands for us to follow, commands that in ourselves we are incapable of following. But our strength consists in joy in the Lord. The better we understand God's word, the more we know Him, the more we find comfort...and strength. 

 So my focus today, and every day should be not on requirements, on lists; not on trying in my own strength. My focus should be on a relationship with Christ, and His word, for in that will I find the joy and strength to obey. 

{musings}



The beach has always held a certain fascination for me. The salt smell, constant wind-drawn waves, the enormity...the way the roar of the crashing surf somehow creates a sense of perfect peace, of soothing, of renewing…the way it makes me feel so small and insignificant. And I always feel this so much more when the surf is high…

…And more so with riptides.

That strong channel flowing seaward from near the shore, its beginning disguised in the surf line. The thing feared by beginner and seasoned swimmers alike. Interestingly, though, the main danger is not in the tide itself – a rip tide’s main power is close to the surface, and does not actually pull people under; it merely drags an object along until it deposits the object in calm deeper waters. The danger lies in being knocked over by the waves, then unable to surface as the tide draws a person deeper, or in an exhausting escape attempt of the swimmer.

It’s always a disturbing feeling to be pummeled by sand and waves while already under water, twisting, and with nothing to grasp and resurface. But at the same time, it’s an awe-striking feeling – a feeling of insignificance – that something is so powerful to toss a body like nothing more than a bit of seaweed. This ocean that overwhelms people and minute objects with equal ease…

And I think of the hymn that compares Christ’s love to an ocean.

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free,
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me.
Underneath me, all around me
Is the fullness of Thy love.
Leading onward, leading homeward,
To Thy glorious rest above.


Deep love…not shallow. Not safe love. Deep, and boundless…free, unrestrained, a mighty ocean of love. The song doesn’t say the love flows by, in nice pristine streams whenever you’re interested in acquiring some. It rolls over, overwhelming by its fullness over, underneath, and all around, and we never see an end to it.

And if His love is like an ocean, life must be like the crashing waves and rip tides, because things pummel, twist, and disorient, dragging away from goals, plans, and ideas into unknown waters. Waters we would never venture into of our own accord. If so, then, the danger isn’t in the tide – not in the events, or tears, or pain – the danger is in fighting it. In exhausting ourselves in our own efforts to escape.

And if waves and tides have so much power, how much more does the God of the universe have the power to hold us gently, drawing us by life tides into the calm of His peace?  If He indeed has a perfect plan, are not these waves simply bringing us to our knees before our Creator, and the tides pulling us into His presence? Tearing us out of our comfort zone into places where we can only live through Him who strengthens us?

And they lead us to rest….in His love.



Congratulations, Joshua and Anna!

Congratulations to my brother, Joshua, and to his bride Anna! It was exciting to see the culmanation of all the phone conversations and chaperoning. :)  


Joshy, it seems like yesterday when we were coming up with crazy ideas and fun. Those times when we'd  sing at the top of our lungs, gardening on a "deserted island" [in the front yard], or randomly decide to ride a neighbor's (untrained) horse. I wouldn't trade having you as a brother or our adventures for anything. I'm excited to watch you and Anna's adventure now, as y'all spend your lives together.

Anna, I haven't know you nearly as long, but have enjoyed your friendship for the time that I have. I know everyone has told Joshua what a gift he's getting, and I'm sure you know that goes both ways. ;) Not only are you getting one of the best guys in the world, you're now married to my best friend. Take good care of him! :)

May God richly bless your marriage!

{a brother memory}

He's dirty and muddy and has ripped shorts and mismatched shoes, the crocs too large and words too old for seven years…and it has rained puddles into the ground. 
And I have lists that won't wait and goal deadlines penned to Time and self-imposed perfectionism and mud-free clothes...
And he's puddle hopping, and wants me to too.
 Sweet smiles with shoes squelching mud and imprinting memories on Time's face. It doesn't matter that the the rain lull is brief and lists must wait and he can't clear some puddles and water will splash, because mud-wet clothes will wash and lists will lengthen and more rains always come.
So we hop puddles. And I shorten my strides and he stretches his, because we're holding hands and soon he'll be all grown up, and baby brother hands will be man-hands that help me.  And we step footprints in the mud, and engrave memories into Time forever, because though the days drag the years fly and memories are treasures. 
And so together we hop puddles…

{during a conversation about amounts of sleep}

Me: "I wonder how much sleep is really necessary to have human maximum function ability."

Rachel: "I'm not sure... It would be really nice if people could sleep like they drink espresso. Just a little bit is needed, but it goes a long way..."

 

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